Why do you have both work/academic and religious blogging stuff on here?
For a long time, I have kept my academic and my spiritual life separate. I have had a growing conviction that this practice was disingenuous and dishonest. I believe what I believe as a scholar in part because I am a Christian. My understanding of my faith has been influenced by my scholarly work. So, I am putting the two together in one place.
Why the name? You don't have a limp!
A few years ago, I was struck by the story of Jacob wrestling with God. Jacob had been living a life where he "got by" by lying, cheating, and stealing from those around him. Jacob had mastered the game of manipulating those around him to get what he wanted. Yet despite his self-centered, deceitful way of life, God blessed and gave him considerable possessions and promises. Then when Jacob's life of lies threatens to destroy him, Jacob encounters God and wrestles with Him all night.
As morning comes, God simply touches Jacob’s hip and dislocates it, showing that he could have ended the match at any point and destroyed Jacob entirely. In the face of such overwhelming power, Jacob realizes that he has survived and prospered not because of his wit and skill, but because of God's grace-filled provision. He pleads for God's blessing and will not let go of God until he gets that blessing. Amazingly, God gives him a blessing, but does not heal Jacob's hip, leaving Jacob to live life with a limp.
After reading the passage, I struggled with two questions: Why didn’t God heal Jacob’s hip? How is that lack of healing a blessing? I resonated with this story and these questions, because I see so much of Jacob in me and I had similar questions about why God continued to let me live with a limp in so many areas of my life.
Briefly, I have lived a life obsessed with appearing to be that guy who has life figured out, but deep inside I am far from the person I want to be. Despite claiming to be a moral Christian, I secretly struggled with a string of addictions only finding reprieve from one addiction by fleeing to another one. Despite claiming to value truth and honesty, I cheated in college to get the grades I wanted. Despite being known as someone who was vulnerable and willing to share his struggles, I artfully and carefully presented just enough of myself to make those around me believe that I was a telling them everything about my struggles with sin. Despite claiming to be a Christian, I remained silent about my faith around other academics for fear that my identification as a Christian would hinder my career advancement. I lied to everyone, simply to get ahead and get the life that I wanted.
I wrestled with God as many of my lies and deceptions came home to roost. God showed me that he had the power to give and to take away his blessings and provisions. I developed un-diagnosable chronic pain that ended my ability to play cello for a time. The church that I grew up in tore itself apart and wounded my parents and family deeply. I started hating my major and was struggling to do as well in my classes. My addictions got worse, my health took a dive, my knees gave out, my back went out, I developed chronic bronchitis, my Bible study shrunk, and just about everything that was precious to me felt threatened. I pleaded with God to bless me.
He blessed me, but not as I thought. The physical pains still linger, I still struggle with my addictions and the desire to hide them from everyone around me. I still struggle with being open about my faith. But God revealed that He wanted me to wrestle with Him and to know how weak and frail I am. The greatest blessing in the world has been my growing realization of my finite-ness and my weakness and God’s overwhelming grace to provide a chance for salvation through His plan of restoration and redemption in Jesus. I live with a “limp” because I need so desperately to remember to live humbly despite the overwhelming blessings that I have received.
In my weakness He is strong. May I praise Him with everything I do!
My hope for this blog is to provide a place for others to wrestle with me as I continue to wrestle with God about the many difficult and complex issues of life. Because I am an education reformer, I will be looking at a lot of issues relating to how people learn and grow, but I also hope to wrestle through the controversial issues of our day such as gay marriage, pluralism and tolerance, and so much more. The goal is to create respectful, careful dialogue that I hope challenges everyone, including me.
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